The Bartender School
Bartender School
A Short Story
By Bobby Everett Smith
May 9, 2019
On the back deck it was spring, and Rick and Bob sat in wrought-iron chairs drinking beers in cool but warm-enough weather.
“Now that I am retired, I don’t know what to do with myself for the rest of my life. I’ve got enough money to live on but if I want to travel and have some left over for the kids, I need to make some more money. Do you have any ideas of what I could do?” Bob said to Rick.
“I wish I had that problem,” Rick replied. “I’ve got five more years teaching before I can get my retirement. Of course, I could get it sooner, but it would be a few hundred per month less in retirement income. I am better off just hanging in there for five more years, then I can get full pay for the rest of my life with health care and even dental. I hate putting up with those brats in my math classes for another five years.”
“Yea, but you get holidays and summers off. Are you going to teach summer school? Even when you teach summer school, you get a month off. I never got a month off at one time. You teachers have it pretty damned easy, if you ask me.”
“You ought to try it sometime,” Rick responded somewhat belligerently.
“I do need something to do. That’s for sure.”
“They have a bartender school down in Northside. Why don’t you take that? You would be a great bartender.”
“God knows I’ve got plenty of experience at a bar. Maybe, I’ll look into that.” Bob said.
The following week, after researching the bartender school on the internet, Bob drove to Northside, a suburb of Cincinnati, Ohio. “This is a rough part of town,” Bob thought. “I’ve never been here before. I hope I don’t get mugged getting in an out of the place.”
Bob walked up a flight of dark stairs and into the office of the Cincinnati Bartender School, Inc., a branch of the Professional Bartender Schools of America. Jane was sitting in an office just off the stairway and invited Bob to join her.
“Welcome to the Cincinnati Bartender School. We are a professional, certified cocktail mixing school that has been in operation in Cincinnati for the past twenty-three years. We’ve trained over 10,000 bartenders in the tri-state area of Ohio, Kentucky, and Indiana. What can I do for you?” Jane asked.
“I got the idea that I might be a good bartender in my retirement years, and I thought it might be better to have a certification and be trained in the latest ways to mix drinks and make a profit running a bar. I just retired last year, and I don’t like not working so if it’s reasonable and not too expensive, I am thinking about joining your school.” Bob replied.
“We start a new class every Saturday a.m. and it runs for six weeks for 7 hours per week and meets here in the Northside facility. Each class has one instructor and about ten students. You must complete all six classes and pass a test on the final day that requires you to mix five cocktails in a timed-five-minute trial. The instructor will give you the drinks to mix, time your performance, and observe your compliance with the school’s standards. If you meet the time limit and pass the process requirements, you will be issued a certification and placed in our ‘bartenders available’ jobs list. Most of our students end up with jobs within the first three months after graduation.”
“How much money could I expect to make?”
“That depends on the location that hires you, but many if not most of our students make $100 per night including a fixed rate of about $12 per hour and tips. Some bartenders make up to $400 per night.”
“Do I have to share tips with other employees?”
“Yes, with certain employees like the bar-backs, the maître-de, and a few other key individuals. Each place has its own policy for that.
“I am 65 years old. Do you think anyone would hire me at this age?”
“It depends on the place. Some of them are just for younger people and some are just right for older guys like you. For example, we got an opening this afternoon with the Cincinnati Country Club. They would prefer an older bartender who could relate to their customers who come in from the golf course. We have a lot of those, but they are very particular about dress code, manner, and education. You would probably be a good fit for that job if you were up to date on the latest drinks and were certified with graduation from our course
” You also have to pass a State Bartender Training Certification that trains you how to manage customers who have had too much to drink and are trying to drive their cars home. It’s a two-hour course and there is no additional charge for taking the course and the test.”
“If you fail either of the certification tests, you can take the test a second time the following week. No charge for additional work and taking the test a second time.”
“How much is the course?”
“The course is $999 payable in advance.”
“Do you have a senior citizen’s discount?” Bob asked.
“No, that’s the one and only price. No discounts and no payment plans, but we do take credit cards and you can keep coming back to our jobs board at no additional charge.”
“How about a Veteran’s Discount?”
“Nope.” Jane replied emphatically.
“OK, I’ll do it. Here’s my Kroger’s Master Card. I would like to start next Saturday if there is an opening.”
“OK, let me get the paperwork started. I am sure you are going to fit in the class well and that you will enjoy being in it.
“Sign here, and I will enroll you in next Saturday’s class with Don McClellan. He has been teaching here for over ten years and all the students rave about him.”
Saturday morning, Bob arrived at 8:50 just before his scheduled start time. He was the first one there but shortly after nine other students, the teacher and an assistant showed up. Don McClellan, the instructor, opened the class with a joke.
“I love teaching this class,” he said as he launched into instructions about making drinks, toting ice from the machine to the bins at the bar. He told the students about different types of liquor like bourbon, scotch, vodka, and tequila. Soon Bob and the other nine students were behind the bar one at a time, mixing their first drink, a Bloody Mary.
In the class, they used simulated liquor, but it was mixed in authentic bottles and looked just like the real drink would have. Every drink had a special kind of glass and the Bartender School meticulously stuck to the traditional style.
The Bloody Mary got one ounce of vodka, two ounces of bloody Mary mix, over ice with a Lime Wedge and Celery Stalk for garnish. The ice and mix were real, and they were poured behind a simulated bar which was in effect the class room. One student at a time served as the “bartender” accompanied by the teacher. The others watched just like they were observing a surgeon in a teaching hospital.
The other class members included four women and five men, all in their twenties or early thirties except for Bob who weighed in at 65. Two of the women were cute and spicy, three of the men were loquacious and affable. No one had any real experience mixing drinks except at home or at a party. The morning went by in a hurry and by noon, each person in the class had mixed at least one drink and worked behind the bar “in the driver’s seat” for a half hour or so.
By the end of the third week, all the students knew each other personally and the teacher too. He was a fun guy and knew how to pour drinks within a tad without measuring the booze and he could keep an entire bar of customers happy with drinks and chatter although the students just had to imagine what it would be like at Houston’s for example with Happy Hour customers standing room only—all wanting a drink, a beer or a glass of wine. It could get rowdy.
“Don, I need to make some money out of this bar tending class. Do you think I have a chance?” Bob asked.
“Probably, but I want you to know it’s really hard work so if you think you are doing this just for the fun of it, you’ve got another thought coming. Let me ask you a question. Do you own a home?”
Bob and Don talked privately during a break. “I’ve got a nice home out in the boondocks but not too far. We’ve got a nice house upstairs and an unfinished basement below, three acres in a forest of hardwood trees. It’s very private and a great place to live.”
“If I were someone your age, I would set up a “wine tasting” room in that basement and have wine tastings, bourbon tastings, and you might even throw in a little pot if you are up to that sort of thing. You could wind up in prison, but the odds are slim right now that that could happen.
In that basement you could have a wine cellar, a couple of tables for friends to come in and sit maybe eat some cheese and crackers and drink some wine or you could have a cocktail of the month. I bet you could make six figures a year doing that once the word got out. That would be a high-risk way to make some money but a lot better than working as a bartender in some bar or country club.”
On test day, Bob came in ready to mix his required five drinks in the following categories: After Dinner Drinks, Popular Highballs, 2 oz Cocktails, Traditional Martinis, Exotic Tall Drinks, Today’s Hottest Shooters, Ice Cream Drinks, and Sours and Margaritas. Don would call out five drinks from those categories one at a time, and the student would have to mix and serve the drinks complete with ice and garnishment in the required amount of time.
“OK, Bob, you’re up. I’m starting the stop-watch now and your first drink is a Cosmopolitan, Get Set, Go!
Bob grabbed a martini glass for a Cosmo, filled his shaker with ice, and started to mix the required ingredients which by now he had memorized:
1 ½ oz. Vodka
½ oz Cointreau
Splash of Rose’s Lime Juice
Splash of Cranberry Juice
Stir and Strain
Garnish with Lime Wedge
Bob strained the Cosmo into the martini glass and served it to the instructor.
Great, your next drink is a Black and White Shooter.
Bob picked up the shooter glass, mixed the drink and served it to Don.
Give me a Manhattan.
Next a Tom Collins.
Last drink, a White Russian.
Bob passed the test with ease producing simulated Cosmopolitan, Black and Blue Shooter, Manhattan, Tom Collins, and a White Russian.
He framed his graduation certificate and sat down at home with a drink to think about Don’s suggestion of starting his own private bar and marijuana store. He did not want to go to prison but was willing to take a certain amount of risk. What if he set up a wine cellar with just two tables? He could serve cocktails, do wine tastings, and offer marijuana smoking out on the back patio. It would be against the law but if he did not charge, only accepted donations, that would probably work out financially and possibly not be against the law. He had always wanted to have a wine cellar, and this would give him a chance to build it in the unfinished basement.
Bob called Crockett Home Improvement Inc. a company recommended to him by his friend and handyman, Jim Schmidt.
“Crockett Home Improvement, Bob Crockett speaking.”
“Hi, Bob, this is Bob Smith. You have come recommended to me by my handyman, Jim Schmidt. I need some work done to partially finish off my basement. Would you be available for that kind of work?”
“Sure, that’s what we do. How can I help you?”
“I have an unfinished basement and I want to build a wine cellar down there by doing some work on a couple of rooms. If I can afford it, I want to build a bar and another room, and a half bath down there. I’ve got 1800 square feet to devote to the project and I have not yet determined my budget but can do that as soon as I get an estimate from you.”
“I’ll come out this Friday at 2 p.m. if that time works for you.” Crockett replied.
Friday at 2 p.m. right on schedule, Bob Crockett rang the doorbell.
“Welcome to my home, Mr. Crockett. Let’s go down to the basement and I will show you what I have in mind.” Smith said.
The two Bob’s walked down a flight of stairs to an unfinished basement encased in concrete walls with support beams about half way across the open space.
“I want to build a wine cellar, another room which will remain empty for the time being and a half bath so that people enjoying my wine cellar can go to the bathroom without having to walk upstairs. I want racks for 144 bottles of wine.”
“I intend to have really good wine, so I need to keep the temperature year-round at 58 degrees. I also want a bar with a sink, hot and cold running water, and room for two or three additional tables that would seat four people each.”
“I need a large commercial refrigerator and an ice machine. In the second room I might grow some plants, so I will need several electrical outlets to plug in lights. The rest of the room will be empty. For now, I intend to leave the floor unfinished but both rooms will need a ceiling. Do you think you can do that?” Smith concluded.
“You will have to provide the furniture, but I can do the rest of it. Let me take some measurements and I will get back to you within a week with an estimate,” Crockett said.
Bob Smith started his search for really good wines starting with California. He decided to look for a price range of $50 to $400 per bottle. He discovered in his search that you can pay in the thousands of dollars for collectors’ wines, but that for practical purposes that was not what he wanted to do. $50 to $400 would work just fine for his purposes.
A week later, Smith got an email from Crockett which said that they could do the job as requested, the total price was $57,500 and they could get started in about one month.”
After some wrangling, Bob Smith accepted the Crockett estimate and scheduled a start date of September 1. He then got to work planning the inventory of his wine cellar which included red and white wines and top-shelf bourbons. Bob’s plan was to offer wine tastings, bourbon tastings, a cocktail of the month, and he intended to grow marijuana in the spare room which he would harvest and sell to clients who came to his tastings. He was going to operate without a license, taking a chance that he would go to jail if someone turned him in or the police got wind of his operation.
Smith selected a variety of red and white wines mostly from California, but some from France, Spain, Italy and Argentina. His choice was in the $40 to $100 per bottle for the wine with a few bottles of even better Bordeaux and Cabernet from California available for high-class clients.
In the first shopping to stock the wine cellar, Bob bought the following five cases of 12 bottles each:
Duckhorn Napa Valley Cabernet Sauvignon 2015 $69.99 $839.88
Ridge Cabernet Sauvignon 2015 $51.99 $623.88
Cuvaison Chardonnay 2016 $34.99 $419.88
David Bruce Pinot Noir $31.99 $383.88
Jordan Cabernet Sauvignon 2014 $68.95 $827.40
Total $$3,094.92
Only rich and meticulous clients were invited and on opening night eight friends showed up for the tasting. Five bottles of red wine were presented with the bottles covered in paper bags. Guests would get a tasting from each bottle and were asked to rank them in order of preference. Good to great wines were included in the selection and the crowd made several rounds of tasting, having fun as they went.
Bob Smith offered cheese and crackers along with the tastings and everything was first class. The clients were not charged for the tastings, but they were expected to donate to cover the cost and a profit for the bartender. Each customer chipped in around $100 each. Total revenue for the first night was $800. Everyone had a good time and promised to come back the next month for a high-priced bourbon tasting.
Bob had no trouble getting people to attend and he set on a schedule of two tastings per week. He was making about $6,000 per month after the first three-month period. His marijuana patch was growing in the spare room and he was studying how to harvest and produce a smokable product.
Once Bob started producing weed, his revenue shot up to about $10,000 per month and he was on a trend to make over $100.000 per year. Attendance was standing room only and he was building a list of regular customers who would come every month or so.
At the end of the first year, he had built a reputation for a clandestine tasting group and he was well-known throughout the city. The Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms and the DEA left him alone. His debts for the construction was all paid off and he was sitting pretty with at least $50,000 per year in net profit. In addition to his retirement income from his law firm, Bob was making $250,000 per year. Not bad for a 65-year-old. The farm had some promise for even more profit and Bob enjoyed mixing the cocktails and collecting the wines and bourbons that went into the tastings. Lyda’s, the name of his bar, had the best wine, bourbons and cocktails in the city.
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